This blog link has been flying all over Facebook, and the comments for it are "Bravo," "Go mom!," etc.: http://nerdyapplebottom.com/2010/11/02/my-son-is-gay/
It is about a 5 year old boy who dressed up as Daphne for Halloween with his mom's blessing, who was worried that he'd be ridiculed at school, but wore it anyway at his mom's behest, making her proud of her non-conformist little kid. Sure, the picture of him in his costume is cute, but encouraging this when he's older can pose a physical and emotional threat, and that's cruel.
In her post she praises herself, but was she really being wise or kind? He even gave her the out, telling her that he was worried that the costume might not be appropriate. She should have said, "You know what, you're a smart boy, and maybe you're right. Maybe being something more boyish would be better. What would you like to be?" But she did the opposite, and what was his day at school really like? He got weird looks and comments. At some point in the day I'm sure he probably wished he had just gone as a ninja. The blog post is all about countering the idea that cross-dressing might make him gay, and criticizing other moms who would not have been so quick to let their sons go to school in sparkly pink outfits. And truth be told, it comes off to me as her ego getting in the way of protecting his.
My son is as boyish as they come, but his favorite color is pink. I'm fine with that for now, but at some point, if he chooses to tell people that his favorite color is pink through middle school, he'll be putting himself in a position to be ridiculed and possibly bullied. I prefer that he change his favorite color choice so that he not go through that pain, but I'm not going to push it. I think he'll see that other boys like blue and figure it out before it becomes an issue. But I'm going to be the mom that fosters his desire to change his favorite color when it comes up, instead of encouraging him to stick by his guns and inevitably get hurt.
His Halloween costume was Iron Man, and he carried a pink pumpkin bucket. I was uncomfortable when people asked him if he was carrying his little sister's bucket, but it's not a big deal as he can explain for himself that he just likes pink and they don't have an issue with it either. Unlike the mom in the blog post, it's not the parents judging him that I worry about. I worry about my son's social life. The boy in my high school that wore dresses and high heeled jelly shoes had ZERO friends, but I'm sure that his hippy parents were proud of him for "being himself" regardless of what damage it caused him. Whether or not cross-dressing will make a child "gay" is a completely different issue from the fact that it will for sure make him look weird. And the couter argument is the usual liberal relativist response: Who decides what is socially acceptable and cool? Here's the answer: Society does. Weird is anything that makes it hard to get along in society. Get over your conformist need to be a non-conformists and encourage your kids to not be weird. That would be the nice thing to do.
Bullying is never OK, but it can be prevented sometimes by wise parents stepping in and helping their kids figure out how to look normal. Praising yourself for helping your kids be non-conformists, and then crying victim when they don't have friends is both self-righteous and mean.
I'm tired of watching meanness be praised as transcendence at the expense of children.
TKZ, just found your blog today and have to say how refreshing I find your no-nonsense attitude and insight. I said I "found" your blog, but I like to believe it wasn't by accident. I love your site and have added your blog to my favorites!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Anonymous! I know my opinions are not usually popular, but I think I'm generally on the right track (or at least I hope so). :o)
ReplyDeleteAs I walk across campus, I'm always struck at how the people that are clearly trying to be non-conformists always look the same. I'd like to say to them "Hey, if you really want to be a non-conformist, take a shower, comb your hair, and don't dress like a moron."
ReplyDeleteAnother thing I was thinking about with this whole "non-conformist," "be yourself" thing is that maybe what the person is isn't good or healthy. People talk about how great it is to accept people as they are, but what if what they are really sucks? I can accept even the worst of people at the fundamental level as children of God, and see their worth in that sense, and I don't expect people to be perfect (one look in the mirror would destroy that expectation), but wouldn't I be teaching people that they didn't need to grow and change if I just accepted people for what they are, regardless of how unpleasant it was for me? Why in the world would I choose to spend time with somebody that is an annoying freak?
Recently, I heard a teenager talking about how nobody at school accepts her for what she is. Well, what she is is really, really weird. Somebody needs to knock it into her head that maybe if she chose to act like somebody that's not a freak, maybe her classmates would be interested in talking to her. She revels in her freakishness, though, and expects others to conform to HER convenience. She believes that they have an obligation to make her feel comfortable, but that she doesn't have a responsibility to make it comfortable for others. So, I say to her, go ahead and be yourself. I'll also go ahead and be myself, which means that I'll stay as far away from freaks like you as I can.
Hahaha!! So true! Being yourself is a bad thing if yourself is a sucky person. And you are right to point out the cognitive dissonance in her argument. She wants others to cease from being themselves in order to accept her as she is.
ReplyDeleteHere's the thing: I can accept people as they are, but creating a culture of self-centeredness rather than a culture of improvement leads to devolution for all.